Saturday, 28 June 2014

What would you do if you found out your spouse had a child out of wedlock?

Our readers

Since no man or woman was born perfect, it is believed that any of them might have made some mistakes sometime in life. Marriage counsellors do advise couples to share whatever their pasts were before they tie the nuptial knot as failure to do this could bring unpleasant consequences in the future. Saturday PUNCH asked some people what they would do if they found out their spouses had children out of wedlock
I will ask him to bring the child home
Ilesanmi Adeola
If I find out that my husband had a child outside wedlock, it will pain me so much but the deed has been done. Since there’s nothing I can do to reverse the situation, I will just ask him to bring the child home so I can get to know him/her. I would also want to know if he’s still in touch with the mother. If he still contacts the other woman, that is one thing I won’t accept because that kind of relationship can ruin one’s marriage. All the same, prayers can make things right and can make us forgo the past!

He will beg and beg before I forgive him
Precious Joseph
I won’t be happy with such because he didn’t tell me before we got married. I will be angry for some time but I will still forgive him. However, before I forgive him, it will take time and he must beg and beg me for some time and with something special that I would be seeing from time to time. While my anger lasts, there will be no sex, no sleeping together on the same bed and no eating together. I will still cook for him and make sure other things are in place but I assure you it will affect our intimacy because he deceived me. I understand that he might not have told me for the fear of losing me or the relationship but that qualifies as deception in a grand style.
I will quit the marriage if …
Anthonia Adeleke
For someone to keep that type of secret till after marriage, there is no other way of looking at it; that type of man can kill. But before I take any step, I will find out if he still has feelings for the other woman. It might be that they couldn’t get married to each other probably because they were immature then. If there are indications from my findings that he still has some feelings for the mother of that child, then I will have to pack my load and leave his house. There’s no way we would enjoy our marriage.
I will forgive him and let it go
Benedicta Okweye
Hmmm! Though it will be so painful, yet I will ask him why he hid such a big issue from me until we got married. If he apologises and asks for forgiveness from me, I will forgive him since there is nothing else I would be able to do. If I do not forgive him, I may even lose him in the process. To avoid that from happening, I will let it go.
It is bad but I won’t divorce him
Ologunde Titilayo
It is a bad thing and I won’t like it because he is supposed to inform me before marriage. If he had told me and I love him, there would be no problem but hiding it is really bad. I would be very angry but as long as we are married and we have children already, I cannot leave him, so I will stay, but it is totally bad. However, if he wants the child to come and stay with us, I will allow him/her, as long as the child has a good character, but if the same child is stubborn or lacks good behaviour, then he cannot stay because I will show him hell. If my husband tries to take me or my children for granted or try to place the child above us, I will show the two of them.
That’s the end of the marriage
Adewuyi Oluwaseun
If I should realise that my spouse had a child out of wedlock, well, that is the end of the trust I have for her in the marriage simply because for her to have hidden that from me for a long while, she is not sincere, and a woman that is not sincere to her hubby can do and undo. We are supposed to share our pasts before marriage. If she can hide that, I bet she is hiding and will still continue to hide a lot from me. In a nutshell, that’s the end of the marriage.
I will forgive her eventually
Louis Benedict
If she does that it means there is no trust in the marriage. God does not allow divorce, except because of adultery, so, I won’t divorce her because of that but it is a breach of trust. However, my trust for her from then on will reduce drastically. In fact, some intimate things may cease for some time but hopefully, we will get together again. I will forgive her but that would be later and it will be a gradual process. But, her betrayal of my trust won’t stop me from allowing the child to live with us if she chooses to bring the child home, I will accept and even treat the child like mine because I love children. But I don’t pray for that because it is not a good thing to experience.
I will still love her
Richard Iddo
As long as I love her and she fits into the criteria that I set for my ideal woman, such as beauty, character and other attributes, I can overlook it. If there is love and trust, we can manage it together. The child is hers so she can bring him/her if she wants to, but the difference will always be there because he is not my child. If the child behaves well, I can allow him stay with us and help him but if he has a bad character he would leave. However, that my wife hides such a thing from me is an indication that she could hide other things from me, so I will call her and correct such attitude because she is not supposed to hide anything from me. It does not affect my love for her, so I expect her to feel free and share her thoughts and secrets with me.
I will send her out of my house
Chief Ntuoyi Ugbobuaku
If she had told me before marriage that she had a child, I would accept, but for hiding it from me until after marriage or even years after, I would send her packing. Truth is key in marriage, you are supposed to tell your partner everything before you get married because the truth will always come out at last, no matter how long it takes. Even if she does not tell me, I would find out sooner than expected. So I won’t take that from her, even if she begs me. If she had told me, fine, I can live with it, but now, no way. How will I defend a tokunbo wife. I won’t take her pleas. She has to go for not being truthful to me and she has to go alone because my children must remain with me; because they answer my name.
I won’t take it lightly
Henry Okoro
If she didn’t mention it to me before marriage, I won’t take it lightly with her. Even though I won’t send her packing, I won’t trust her again. If she had told me before, I could overlook it because I love her but if we have become husband and wife before I find out or she confesses, I don’t think I will trust her again because she could be hiding other things from me. If she tells me by herself, I will forgive her but I won’t forget, and I can allow the child to live with us if she wants, but if I find out by myself, the child cannot live with us and she wouldn’t find it funny. She will explain how it happened and who the baby’s father is. So, it will be worse if I find out myself.

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