Beyoncé’s Alleged Tour Demands: Red Toilet Paper, No Junk Food

Beyonce is a diva and hence she demands to be treated as one. If the information leaked by a source on Mrs. Carter Show World Tour in the U.K.is true, then Beyonce is officially the queen of all divas.

“She expects her list of demands to be adhered to,” a source supposedly told a famous tabloid newspaper, explaining that Beyoncé turned down the opportunity to use the O2 arena’s new dressing rooms in favor of a dressing room that usually accommodates an entire sports team; at the end of the day she ended up even using both.

Beyonce’s tour demands have been ranked from least to most diva-licious.

Here it goes:

6. “Hand-Carved Ice Balls”: For Queen B to “suck on,” this is still just frozen water. We expected better from Beyoncé: Hard-carved ice balls made only of imported water that was fetched from the wells of Switzerland by small Swiss children whose only worldly possession is a pair of lederhosen.

5. “Freshly Painted White Walls and a New Toilet Seat”: This is just standard building maintenance. Would it be insane for Bey to expect the structure-bearing beams to be intact? Or for her to expect that all emergency exits be cleared?

4. “Red Toilet Paper”: We can think of reasons this might be useful.

3. “100 Percent Pure Cotton Clothing for Staff”: We presume that this measure is taken to “save [Beyoncé] from allergic reactions,” which is convenient for Beyoncé but inconvenient for the crew member allergic to cotton and forced into a Froot of the Loom full-body suit. But that crew member can be replaced (to the left, to the left) while there’s only one reason everyone else on the tour is even getting paid in the first place: Beyoncé, crusader for cotton.

2. “Titanium Drinking Straws”: These straws apparently cost £600 (roughly $935) and are used to drink special alkaline water (which is basically just water, but better water) and served at exactly 21 degrees. If it is served at 22 degrees, prepare yourself for a face full of special alkaline water when it’s thrown back at you. But it won’t scald you or anything, it’s only 22 degrees.

1. “No Junk Food”: The rider demands that all junk food is strictly forbidden, while glass platters of almonds and oatcakes are bountiful and the salad bar “nibbles” are overflowing with greens. So maybe Beyoncé wants to keep things tight.

Wow, this is just crazy!!!