I'm going to share some insights that will
help you have healthier, more
balanced relationships by
revealing the right and wrong
ways to enter into a
relationship.
Here's a situation I've
definitely found myself in
and I'm sure you can relate.
You meet someone,
something clicks, and
suddenly a force takes you
over.
After this encounter you
can't, for the life of you, get
this guy out of your head.
You try to think about other
things, but nothing works.
You ruminate over every
detail of your interaction with
him, what he said, what you
said, what his body language
said. You think about the
things you wish you said.
You obsess, you stalk him on
Facebook, you talk about him
to all your friends, you feel
an all-consuming exhilaration
that takes you out of your
body and to another
dimension of reality entirely.
Soon enough, this guy goes
from occupying all the
space in your mind to
occupying all your time.
You spend every night
together, you try to see each
other as much as you can
during the day, when you
can't see each other you text
constantly. You know you
should spend time doing
other things but you can't
muster the strength to do
anything that doesn't include
him. It just feels right so you
don't fight it.
Now another scenario. You
meet a guy, you think he's
nice and all, you have good
conversation, he gets your
number, and while you're
pleased, you don't go into a
tizzy over it.
You may check his Facebook
profile, but only for a few
minutes. You are happy to
hear from him if he calls or
texts, but you don't notice the
hours in between when he
doesn't text. You go out a few
times, not expecting much,
but soon enough your interest
and attraction begins to grow.
Things feel calm, there's no
drama, no heart
palpitations....and it feels
really nice.
Which relationship do you
think has a stronger chance
of survival?
Instinctively, you would say
the second one. In real life,
you would fall for the first.
That's because the first
scenario illustrates everything
we've ever been told about
love. In movies and romance
novels, love is this grand,
all-consuming force that
takes you over in the most
dramatic of ways.
There are huge obstacles, but
it's okay because love
conquers all! I mean, would
any of us have cared for The
Notebook if Ali and Noah
were of the same social
status, went on a few
luke-warm dates, then got to
know each other and
developed a deepening
connection over time? Don't
think so.
I hate to do this to you, but
I'm gonna take the romance
right out of those dramatic
relationships where you get
engulfed in your feelings for
the other person. I call it
"The Pull" and it almost
never comes from a healthy
place.
In most cases, the pull we
feel to another person is
guided by our unconscious
desire to rectify some issue
from our past. For instance, if
your parents always made
you feel like you weren't
good enough, you may seek
out guys who are full of
themselves and treat you like
you're not worthy of their
love in an attempt to rectify
those feelings from your past.
When we meet someone, we
immediately assess
everything about them (again,
this happens unconsciously).
On a conscious level, you
may assess the things he said,
on an unconscious level,
you're looking at his body
language, his tone, the way
he phrases things, how much
eye contact he makes, his
demeanor.
If your unconscious finds
something familiar in that
person, something that
reminds you of an unresolved
hurt from the past, it will
light up and push you
towards that person. This is
why we can be overcome
with intense feelings and
desires for someone we
barely know. (You can learn
more about this concept in
the book "Getting the Love
You Want" by Harville
Hendrix I highly recommend
it.)
Long before I knew any
better, like back in High
School, I dated a string of
jerks who treated me like an
object and remained just
beyond my grasp. I always
felt like I was proving myself
to these guys, like I had to
measure up to some
impossible standard.
One of these guys in
particular completely
shattered my heart and sense
of self. Interestingly enough,
after this incident the guy
who have awakened those
intense, obsessive,
all-consuming feelings of
infatuation within me have
been the ones who were
unattainable, hard to read,
and critical. For the longest
time sweet, genuine, caring
guys had absolutely no
appeal to me.
When we feel that
overpowering gravitational
pull towards someone, it's
almost always coming from
an unhealthy place.
Either we're drawn to a
person who validates the way
we feel about ourselves (ex-
if you never feel good
enough, will end up chasing
after guys who seem beyond
your reach and affirm your
feelings of unworthiness), a
person who feeds our ego
(we want them because their
approval makes us feel
valuable), or to rectify areas
where we've been hurt in the
past.
The Pull leads us to a very
narcissistic kind of love, a
kind that has nothing to do
with who the other person
truly is but rather how they
make us feel. We get
addicted to the other person
because they make us high,
they make us feel anything is
possible. We come into the
relationship drunk on love
and are perplexed when the
"love" suddenly drains from
the relationship.
The reason this happens is a
thing called reality. You
can't stay in la-la land
forever, you have to come
back to earth eventually
and here on earth, people
have flaws and stresses and
needs.
If you enter into the
relationship because you
(unconsciously) are seeking
to rectify past pains or feed
your ego, you will have a
very difficult time seeing
beyond your own needs and
understanding what the other
person wants. From there,
you have fights, resentments,
crying, frustration, and
eventually, a painful breakup.
Another obvious reason these
relationships fail is they are
breeding grounds for
neediness. When you get
sucked in by the "Pull," the
other person becomes the
sole center of your universe.
His approval is all that
matters and when he isn't
giving you that same
"juice" your self-esteem
takes a hit and you, in turn,
take it out on him.
The point it, unhealthy
relationships almost always
begin with the pull. The
problem is, we don't
recognize them as unhealthy
because we're brought up to
believe in things like love at
first site.
Tomorrow, I'm going to paint
a picture of what a healthy
relationship looks like and
how you can achieve it (even
if your relationship started
out with a "Pull").
Lots of Love,
Abidemi.
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